Christian Womens Wrestling

MISSION STATEMENT: We are a non-profit, Bible-believing, Spirit-filled ministry taking Satan to the mat.

OUR HISTORY: At a recent prayer breakfast (of fresh fruit, bran croissants and mint tea) a few of us ladies discussed strategic and novel ways of reaching sinners for our Lord. Mrs. Betty "Knock Out" Bowers of BRINGING INTEGRITY to CHRISTIAN HOMEMAKERS suggested professional wrestling. She successfully enlisted Beverly "Boom-Boom" LaHaye of CONCERNED WOMEN of AMERICA and Barbara "Big Mama" Johnson of SPATULA MINISTRIES.

OUR KEY VERSE:

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

Ephesians 6:12

OUR FIRST BOUT: We scheduled our first celebrity bout last month, and though we practiced with each other, we invited several local unchurched dominatrixes to pit their wrestling skills against us. It was all for charity, the proceeds being split between our three ministries.

We shouldn't have been surprised at Beverly LaHaye's tenacity in the ring, she certainly put her money where her mouth was - trouncing temptation, pinning perfidiousness and slamming secular humanism.

This is a major fundraising coup for CONCERNED WOMEN of AMERICA. Why the merchandising alone should provide well over half their annual budget. And with the regrettably unstoppable entry of women into the sports arena our motto is, "If you can't join 'em, beat 'em!" Bev is an enviable role model - never a hair out of place, always able to compose her facial expression for even the most inopportune photo op.

Why, just look at those holds, impressive even for a woman half her age! Bev's unnamed heathen contender slunk away after the match toting her dufflebag of situational ethics behind her. She won't be so quick to argue for her right to choose next time, all Beverly left her was - HER RIGHT TO LOSE.

While Bev won the most overall points, Mrs. Betty Bowers, even with her wealth of previous experience, faltered in the ring nearly letting sin prevail. Pinned by a wanton whip jockey, Mrs. Betty Bowers maintained her unshakeable demeanor and walked away with the title of Mrs. Congeniality. Joyce ran for a dictionary to make sure the title wasn't referring to something dirty, and all were pleased that it referred to one's basic (though sinful) good nature.

And Mrs. Bowers had shown so much promise during the practice bouts. Shown below pinning Mrs. Johnson, the ladies demonstrate their cool aplomb. The hookers, or sex-workers if you will, showed no such reserve and fought dirty. Mrs. Bowers retaliated by slashing their leather jackets in the dressing room. We all had our own trailers, guarded of course, because of our celebrity status.

Mrs. Bowers has promised to practice hard over the next training season. She has fought many personal battles, most recently having to contend with her wayward son's forray into video production and the release of his new title, "Talking Buns."

Mrs. Johnson had been on a book-signing tour so wasn't able to train properly. But she is swift for her weight class and managed to outlast the most overly-toned trollop Satan could push at her. When asked how she did it she quoted Isaiah 55, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength," spit on the ground and pulled out a hank of bleached-blonde hair from her nearest pay-per-screw opponent.

Yes, she's a feisty one, and though we can't suggest you put your money on her (betting is a sin) do follow her rise to fame. She'll be signing her new book, "Let a Smile Be Your Umbrella: What to Do When the Crowd Starts Spitting and Throwing Things" at the Landover Baptist Church bookstore this Thursday.

Visit our mullet-headed wrestling brothers at Christian Wrestling Federation

Note: Please do not attempt to contact Mrs. LaHaye as, sadly, she has founded a rival organization, the CWFA - Christian Wrestling Females of America. Read her wrestling articles which we find disturbingly risqué.

A Loudoun County, Virginia, physical education teacher was discovered to have been leading a double life as a "gay" porn star. School officials acted quickly to start an investigation and remove him from his duties as assistant coach for boys' football, baseball and wrestling teams.