10 Easy Ways To Be A Compassionate Conservative, or

How To Give $100,000 To Charity Without Spending A Dime

"Compassionate Conservatism" [1] means becoming personally involved in people's lives, not just throwing money at their problems. Just giving people money deprives them of the chance of having a little of your good sense rub off on them. And it also robs them of their dignity. In most cases it is sinful (Dare we say a "hate crime"?) to just give people money.

"How do I show that I am a compassionate person, then?" you may well ask. My husband Boyle and I have prayed hard over this issue, and the good Lord has revealed to us these ten easy tips. And since we've compassionately donated over $100,000 dollars this year, we've saved ourselves $400 on our annual United Way donation. Christian charity AND an additional day at the spa! We do have an awesome God!

1. Corporate Matching
Republican Vice Presidential nominee Dick Cheney counted corporate matching funds in the estimate of his charitable giving. [2] You can, too!
Value for our family: $24 ($12 worth of daffodils for Daffodil Days)

2. Pro Bono Work
Any time you do something charitable, assign it a monetary value. Dick Cheney valued his pro bono public lectures at $232,320 and counted that amount as a charitable donation. While you might not be a celebrity, your time still has value. For instance, if you earn $100,000 a year, just cutting someone off in traffic to teach them the value planning ahead can be worth as much as a dollar per incident. If you're diligent, these types of micro-charitable donations can really add up.
Value for our family: $6,000

3. Coupons
If you subscribe to a daily paper, or magazines, you will find inside thousands of dollars of coupons. Clip these, and donate them to your favorite charity. This is a great way to help poor people learn to budget by stretching their grocery dollars. And don't forget to count the price of your subscriptions. Without them, you would have no coupons to donate.
Value for our family: $1,200

4. Return Stolen Shopping Carts
Once a month the men in our church walk through poor neighborhoods rounding up "borrowed" shopping carts. It's important to leave the contents with whomever is using them. If it's more than an armload, dump the contents neatly on the sidewalk. Remember, you're not there to judge - love the sinner, hate the sin. Count the value of returned shopping carts as a $125 donation.
Value for our family: $7,000

5. Recycle
When you're recycling it's like you're donating to the environment. Every bottle and aluminum can has a redemption price. Value all your other recyclables accordingly - plastics, paper, cardboard, cashmere. A month of soda bottles alone can count for $12.
Value for our family: $2,142

6. Used Clothing
We use replacement value for our clothing donations. If you paid $60 for a car coat last year, add $10 for it's current value. Round less expensive items, such as used pantyhose, up to the nearest ten dollars.
Value for our family: $636

7. Household Expenses
Hiring immigrants to do your housecleaning, gardening, and cooking is one way that you can hasten their assimilation into American culture. View it as your Christian duty. Don't pay them. Donate seed money to them to start their own lovely Christian homes.

And be sure to vote for Bush. If he wins, you can register as a "Charitable Choice" and use other people's (heathens) taxes to pay for your household staff's "assimilation training".
Value for our family: $9,000

8. Teach a Man to Fish
Last Christmas I gave Boyle [3] a new fishing rod and reel. Since teaching a man to fish will feed him for a lifetime, we calculated the price for a lifetime of food (adjusted for inflation) and assigned that number to the value of Boyle's old fishing pole that we donated to Goodwill.
Value for our family: $34,000

9. Give Away Your Daughter's Baby
If you have a trampy daughter and she ends up pregnant, tell the county that she's a crack addict and have her locked up for the duration of her pregnancy. That will protect you if you live in a state without parental notification. Then, immediately after delivery have her sign the baby over to the state. Threaten to throw her out if she doesn't. We counted our daughter's white skinned, blue-eyed baby as a $40,000 donation. Depending on how trampy your daughter actually is, your value may vary.
Value for our family: $40,000

10. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, All Day Long
Every time an unsaved person hears the name of Jesus they are one step closer to salvation, and a lovely Christian life. Whenever a hobo, day laborer, or Catholic asks you for spare change, a job, or the time, tell them about Jesus.
Value for our family: Priceless

Total charitable donations for our family: $100,002

Make compassionate conservatism a game! Watch it bring your family closer together, as each family member tries to out do the others with ideas to increase your charitable giving.

If you have any good ideas to pass on, write to us, and we'll enter you in our contest. The grand prize winner gets a rebate coupon for $2000 off on a Mitsubishi Lil Injun SUV.