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11-9-71

Dear Pastor Rehwinkel:

I am very sorry to add this additional burden to your work. I know that what has been done is wrong from all that I have been taught and that any reaons that I might give will not make it right. But you are the one person that I know that while not condoning this will at least possibly understand why I felt that I had to do this.

1. I wasn't earning anywhere near enough to support us. Everything I had seemed to fall to pieces. True we could have gone bankrupt and maybe gone on welfare.

2. But that brings me to my second point. Knowing the type of location that one would have to live in plus the environment for the children plus the effect on them knowing they were on welfare was just more than I thought they could and should endure.I know that they were willing to cut back but this required a lot more than that.

3. With Pat being so determined to get into acting I was also fearful as to what this might do to her continuing to be a Christian.I'm sure it wouldn't have helped.

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4. Also, with Helen not going to church I know that this would harm the children eventually in their attendance. I had continued to hope that she would begin to come to church soon. But when I mentioned to her that Mr.[?]utzi wanted to pay her an Elders call. (In a side note "This is not a decision of Ed.") She just blew up and stated that she wanted her name taken off the church rolls. Again this could only have given an adverse result for the childrens continued attendance.

So that is the sum of it. If any one of these had been the condition we might have pulled through but this was just too much. At least I'm certain that all have gone to heaven now. If things had gone on who knows if that would be the case.

Of course Mother got involved because doing what I did to my family would have been a tremendous shock to her at this age. Therefore, knowing that she is also a Christian I felt it best that she be relieved of the troubles of this world that would have hit her.

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After it was all over I said some prayers for them all from the hymn book. That was the least that I could do.

Now for the final arrangements:

Helen and the children have all agreed that they would prefer to be cremated. Please see to it that the costs are kept low.

For mother, she has a plot at the Franklin-Smith Chuch cemetary. Please contact Mr Herman Schellkas, Rt 4, Vassar, Mich 48768. He's married to a niece of Mothers and knows what arrangements are to be made.

[Side note: "She always wanted Rev Herman Zehuuster of Bay City to preach the sermon. But he's not well."]

Also I'm leaving some letters in your care. Please send them on and add whatever comments you think appropriate.

The relationships are as follows:

Mrs. Lydia Meyer - Mothers sister
Mrs. Even Morris - Helens mother
Jean Sybert - Helens sister
Fred and Clara - Johns sponsor
Herbert Roth - Fred's sponsor
Maria - Pats sponsor.

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Also I don't know what will happen to the books and other personal things. But to the extent possible I'd like for them to be distributed as you see fit. Some books might go into the school or church library.

Originally I had planned this for Nov. - All Saints Day. But travel arrangements were delayed. I thought it would be an appropriate day for them to get to heaven.

As for me please let me be dropped from the congregation rolls. I leave myself in the hand of Gods justice and mercy. I don't doubt that he is a able to help us, but apparently he saw fit not to answer my prayers they way I had hoped that they would be answered. This make me think that perhaps it was for the best as far as the childrens souls are concerned. I know that many will only look at the additional years that they could have lived but if finally they were no longer Christians what would be gained.

Also, I'm sure many will say "How could anyone do such a horrible thing?" - my only answer is it isn't easy and was only done after much thought.

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Pastor Mrs. Morris may possibly be reached at 802 Pleasant Hill Drive, Elkin - Home of her sister.

One other thing. It may seem cowardly to have always shot from behind but I didn't want any of them to know even at the last second that I had to do this to them.

John got hurt more because he seemed to struggle longer. The rest were immediately out of pain. John probably didn't consciously feel anything either.

Please remember me in your prayers. I will need them whether or not the government does its duty as it see it. I'm only concerned with making my peace with God and of this I am assured because of Christ dying even for me.

P.S. Mother is in the hallway in the attic - 3rd floor. She was too heavy to move.

John.